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Completely unrelated, but lovely, image.
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Currently I’m looking back at the posts on this blog and I’m angry. Angry because I haven’t wrote much interesting or useful for some time now. I haven’t posted much lately at all, in fact. It feels as though I’ve been too busy with other things to be able to commit the (relatively short) amount of time it takes to post something other than mindless rambling. I’m also frustrated because I haven’t had much motivation to write. Usually I enjoy writing, but lately it has began to feel more like a chore than an enjoyable hobby. I would guess this is due to the fact that my other commitments at the moment require a significant amount of writing (that I don’t necessarily want to do).
I have not even listened to much music lately either. Sure, I’ve acquired several albums in the last while, but I haven’t taken the time to truly listen to them. Ideally, I would like to sit down and listen to a newly acquired album start to finish, with no distractions. Perhaps even going through the lyrics at the same time, if they are available. I used to relish in the random little tidbits or facts that I picked up during the process of reading about, and researching bands, sub-genres, musical influences etc. I miss the quasi-philosophical, beer-filled discussions that used to occur on a pretty regular basis between my metal-head friends.
Some days I still feel the drive for the relentless pursuit of discovering and re-discovering metal. Take Belphegor, for example. I’ve had Belphegor albums in my possession for years now, but never really appreciated the band as much as I have since ‘Conjuring The Dead’ was released last year. The first Belphegor album I bought, mostly on a whim, was ‘Bondage Goat Zombie’, when it was first released in 2008. Taking the time to really listen to ‘Conjuring The Dead’ made me re-think why I hadn’t spent more time listening to Belphegor, and caused me to go back and re-listen to several albums I hadn’t given much consideration to in the last few years. The result: I’ve re-discovered what drew me to the band in the first place.
I used to love going to concerts. I still try to enjoy concerts, but lately I’ve found them to be more lack-lustre than in previous years. Excitement used to build for weeks beforehand, fueled by non-stop listening to whatever metal band happened to be coming through town. Often now, the excitement subsides by show-date, and sometimes dragging myself out of the house feels like a chore. And it shouldn’t. Participating in something enjoyable should never feel like a chore. Now it seems that I spend half the time I’m at a show considering all of the things I should have been doing instead. Or using the show to unwind by drinking way too much beer. Or studying the crowd composition and trying to figure out how and why it has changed so much in the last several years without sounding like a condescending bitch. Either way, I’m not usually paying as much attention to the actual show as I should.
I constantly struggle with finding the time to pursue my passions, and finding the time to accomplish the more mundane tasks and time-gobbling projects that I currently have on the go. I have no doubt this is something that most people trying to pursue an education (in the hopes of establishing a viable career) struggle with, but lately it’s been more of an uphill battle than normal. To those who have managed to find a balance between pursuing passions and ‘regular’ life, I throw you the horns.
Returning to the idea of this blog, I have ideas. I just need to find the time, energy, and drive to fully pursue them and produce a product that is worthy of publication. I want to be able to boot the rest of life out of the way to indulge in music as heavily as I used to. Until then, this is my rant.
